Defining That, of Which We Call Knuckles....

As previously stated, I like to be big. Not "big" in the sense of, say, needing to buy an extra seat on a United Flight, but "big" in the sense of personality, life, and actions.

Here's the reasoning behind my madness;

In my youth, I kept my head down, walked softly, and made little waves. I was bullied, talked down to, and generally just pushed around by life. I watched movies with guys that stood up for themselves, and others, and envied them, as well as admired them. They were the Superheroes of the real world. Men like John McClane of Die Hard. He was an average guy, that under pressure, became a super human. He couldn't fly. He couldn't turn invisible, but he had something inside him that made him want to save his wife, and other innocent people, because they needed it.

These "other" people are average, non-heroic, Keep Your Head Down people. They were me. I was the one being rescued, but that's not what I wanted to be. I wanted to be the guy saying "Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker!"

So, I looked deep down inside myself, and I pulled up the whimpering, weak, timid heart that I had, and shook the living fuck out of it....

On a sidenote, it helps that I'm an Atheist at times. You see, a lot of people believe that this is just our earthbound self. They believe in eternity, and going to Heaven, and an afterlife. I don't. So, I believe this is our one shot at being the best ME that I can be. Which, helped in the creation of what you see (read) in front of you.

Back to my Boring Ass Story...

I shook the living FUCK out of myself, and said "Time to nut up, or Shut up!", and started doing little things day in, and day out, that were not typically things I would do. Standing up to people started off as a little mumble under my breath, that usually followed by a "What?" from the other person. But, in true John McClane fashion, the mumbles eventually became words, the words became sentences, and the nerves became steadied. Resulting in a defiant, strong, and stable conversation.

After learning that I could create an individual that I thought was exactly what I wanted. I no longer looked to movies for inspiration, but in turn, started looking inward. I wanted to create, in my mind, the best Johnny that I could. My own personal super human.

I had always thought intellect was a profound thing, and so I studied. I studied things that "I" wanted to study. Not for school. Not for classes. For me. Things that I wanted to know. Things that I wanted to be educated on, so that if and and when it ever came up in conversation, I'd be well versed on the subject. I'd sit in the library for hours, just reading books on the biological makeup of humans, Genghis Khan, British Parliament, Shakespeare, Religion, and a vast amount of other topics. I guess, in a way, it was a movie figure that inspired this after all, because I had envisioned how James Bond held peoples attention in conversations with knowledge of a certain topic.

Then, I realized I wanted to create. I wanted to leave behind something that was a part of me. I was a horrible artist when it came to drawing (i tried it), and painting. So, I joined Drama in high school. I was still coming into my own, and so I did Stage Craft, to just be involved. But, what was to become of that one simple move, would help mold the person I am today. I saw something in those tiny little plays that made my heart swell with a light that could illuminate the midnight sky. Acting. It painted a picture with words, with movement, with gestures, with history, love and passion!! It was a legacy waiting to happen.

But, what was to happen next, became even more obvious to the creation of me. You see, as in true "me" fashion, I became enthralled with acting and theatre. So, as it was, I spent more time reading about it. The history of theatre. The creation what acting is today. All things that piqued my interest, I would find in a book. And, then, at the same time, I started realizing something. These...words...they also paint a picture. Certain words had more weight, more vigor, more passion, than others. Certain phrases were rebellious. Certain stories were more powerful than others.

Thus, began my voyage into using these words in everyday life. People would be shocked, which interested me, by some things I'd say. It was a response to "words". I could say "Fuck." and catch an irritated look from an old woman. I could say "cunt", and garner a reply from people standing around me. And, so I began creating another part of my personality that I love...freedom of speech.

As I've said before, if you have a canvas (that is Life), and you have paint (that is words), why would you only paint in black and white? Wouldn't you want to use as many colorful words to paint the picture you desire?

A simple sentence, "Wow that movie was great.", becomes a powerful, rough, and brass sentence with "Wow that movie was fucking great." with a little more color.

I am now, the man that I wanted to be. I drink what I want, even though I didn't even start drinking until I was 22 (by choice), because I like to. I don't need to, I do it, because it is a part of the person I love to be. I write what I want. I say what I want. I do as I want. My actions my have controversial outcomes sometimes, but they are a direct result of me wanting to do what I wanted at the time, and therefor I regret nothing in doing so.

So, I smoke cigars, drink booze, swear, workout, eat right, study life, people watch, look at porn, and dissect humanity for what it is. I also stand up for the weak voiced, the silent walking, and bullied Average Joe. I created a man that is confident, articulate, intelligent, and passionate, and the benefit of that, is that I fear no confrontation, because there are only two outcomes to any situation, I will win, or I will lose, and either way, I am okay with either one. All, because, I believe that it helps me better understand myself. People are constantly searching for "themselves", but what they don't understand, is we get this one life...and instead of searching, they should be creating.

We are what we are, because of what we do. Don't let the world define you, because you can define yourself. If it feels right, do it. If it helps make you feel like "you", do it. Because, at the end of this road, there's death...and on that day, you'll want to look back and say, "I was the best me, I could be."

So, no longer do I need John McClane to be my guiding light. No longer do I need James Bond to tell me a martini is a classy drink.

Nope, I don't need any of those guys, because they're fictional, and I'm real. I'm a living, breathing super hero. I don't rescue kittens. I don't fly to burning rooftops and whisk grannies to safety...nope...I save myself, and those I love, from the mundane, and boring...I save myself from being weak, sad, and average. I still bleed. I will still die. But, I will die with the knowledge, that I conquered this cunt we call Life.

With all of that said...


Go fuck yourself...


-Knuckles