...and, eventually walks out.
That's the good story.
Now, I'm going to update from here, so I don't have to tell the story a million times.
It all started at 12noon yesterday, 13 June, 2012.
I hadn't eaten breakfast, but saw that (for her birthday) my Mom had fried some ham. (similar to that of Thanksgiving) I took a tiny bite, swallowed, and all hell ensued. I started heaving, and wretching, and slobbering everywhere. I tried "waiting" for it to go down...nothing...until after my Mom's birthday cake's candles were blown out, and this is where I decided to go to the Emergency Room.
I wait in the Emergency Room for 6 fucking hours. This is with constant visits to nurses, doctors, and the suck asking "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
Fastforward to the first room. They give me a shot to make me puke. But, this makes no sense to me, being that if you take a volleyball, and stick it in a water hose, and then turn on the hose....well, you've seen Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Anyhow, I sit there for 3 more hours. With off and on wretching fits from the stupid shot, until my toes were curling. This is when they decided "Thing's are fucked."
They admit me, and take me to a room. Where I manage to befriend every hot nurse between here and there. (pictures to follow)
I answer EVERY question they give me as comedically as possible. "Do you drink alcohol?" "It's according to what you've got?" "Are you allergic to latex?" "Why? What've you heard?" "Does this problem occur often?" "No way, I was an actor for many years, I've had much bigger meat in my throat than this."...and they rolled on...
Eventually, I was rolled down to the OR, where I befriended some "Nurses in Training" that I had in stitches as well, of which, later would run for their lives....this is where things go a little "awry".
You see, as with any Writer, Poet, Actor, or Artist, there is always that proverbial "Hiding behind the tears of a clown.", but the problem is, mine isn't tears.....you know what, I'll explain what happened, rather than explain the inner demon itself.
So, I have everyone laughing...and "Yes ma'am." "No sir."-ing everyone...but then, they gave me a strong drug, that ALSO gives you amnesia. I liken this to What Bruce Banner has to deal with, because....
When I woke up the FIRST time (i have an ENORMOUS tolerance to all things foreign, drugs, booze, what-have-you), and every surgery I've ever had, I've always awaken halfway through.
Well, let's just say it's never pleasant when I do. By firsthand accounts from multiple sources, I begin to wake up and start pulling cables and hoses out and raise up and point, like the Crypt Keeper from a casket, at the Drug Dude and say "Youuuuuu!!!" "You're the bastard that took my manhood!!" And, begin to lurch forward, (this is where, luckily, my mother had been handy) "Youuuuuu motherfucker!! You took my MANHOOD!!!" and the guy starts backing up asking "Me? What did I do again?" and looks to my Mom, and she asks "What are you talking about "Your manhood?" and I open my mouth and point inside it. Where she realizes immediately what I was talking about. [You see, about 20 years ago, I had a similar incident that wasn't as drastic, where the surgeon had torn off half my fucking uvula during the surgery, leaving me with...all I can describe it as, Sloth's head from Goonies in the back of my throat]...I keep creeping forward until someone says: "GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO KNOCK HIM OUT BEFORE HE GETS UP!!", where they do, and I fall back to the bed. This is where the gentleman looks to my Mom and says "I'm not sure what I did, but I'm quite positive that if he would have got out of that bed, he is large enough, that he probably would have hurt me pretty bad. I've decided, when he wakes up, I want him to be my BFF!!" and goes back to work.
Hours later, the begin to wake me up...my "HULK SMASH!!" moment far behind us...but, there's an all new problem. You see, I look over, and the guy injecting the "wake up juice" into the needle is none other than Luke Francis (i don't fucking know why). I start jarring around, and say "Luke!! Get the fuck away from that!!" ".....Who the fuck is Luke man?....."Stop fucking with me!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT SHIT!!! This isn't funny, it's DANGEROUS!! I'm not gonna be fodder for one of your bits!" And, this is where the guy quickly goes over and finishes injecting the serum into the little hole, and I went from staring Luke Francis directly in the face, to staring the Drug Dude directly in the face, where I calmly say "So....I didn't talk out my ass too much when I was under did I?" and lie back down.
But, apparently during ALL of my shenanigans, I still managed to flirt with every female nurse (except one that i seemingly called a troll, and asked for her to go get someone 'prettier' to do her job)....what an asshole.
The rest...well, the drugs have worn off, and the doctor tells me a couple of nice stories. One consisting of "Yeah, there was a baseballs worth of food lodged in your esophagus. It was like a spiderwed of a mess down there. And, that it had accumulated over days, not just immediately. It seems that I'm LITERALLY allergic to abrasive foods, and they enflame my esophagus, causing food to get lodged. Letting the occasional morsel slip by, but, just waiting for that cunning keystone that will fuck up my world.
Doc said "You know, if that would have ruptured, giving it another hour or two, you would have probably died within the hour from being so septic."
Sooo....close call for Knuckles.
Now, I'm lying in bed, with my sternum feeling like someone bashed it numerous times with a sledge hammer, and my throat feeling like someone attached a Brillo pad to a broom handle and shoved it down my throat, and started churning butter.
The sad part is, after paying for a shitload of things, I am absolutely broke, and I know I don't ask for money, but I would HAPPILY accept some donations, to help me pay for my medications. (that are quite expensive)
Well, that's my last 22 hours.
What'd you do?
-Knuckles
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