I paint my pictures with fuck....

...and shit...and motherfucker...

Hello Universe, it's me, Asshole. I'm here to tell you a story about weak people that are either afraid to offend, or wanting to 'feel' powerful and try to change others.

This includes, but is not limited to, the people that use the words effin, darn, shoot, and heck. No adult should, (unless there are respectable people about in a social environment, and/or children about), ever be heard uttering these words.

"Why?" you may ask? Well, I'll tell you why.

For 2 reasons really. These words still imply their more ferocious cousin is the real word for the situation. "That movie was effin amazing!!" 1) Everyone knows what word you are replacing, and are now translating said word in their head to the word "Fuck." and are now THINKING you said "That movie was FUCKING amazing!" and therefore you should have used the REAL word in the first place and 2) Explicit words are there for a reason, and should be used to....wait for it...

TO PAINT AN INCREDIBLE FUCKING PICTURE!!!

You see, I am a gentleman, but I am also a full grown man, and well capable of using the English Vocabulary as I see fit. I restrain from profanity around children, and social situations where it does not deem fit. BUT!, I am a full blown believer in using as colorful words as possible, as often as possible to paint the most vibrant sentence I can when the time calls for it.

This brings me back to the pussies I spoke of earlier. "Don't use foul language. It's a sin. God would look down on that."

Welllllll....asshole....first things first...GOD doesn't exist, and therefore I don't fear your imaginary friend that thinks I'm a "Bad Boy". Second, nowhere in the Bible does it state that any person cannot use profane language. Mostly, guess what, because if God created language, he also created the bad words, and not using something that God created...would probably piss him off, but even more so, that the BIBLE WASN'T WRITTEN IN ENGLISH!!! It was translated into English through years upon years of translating it from other languages.

So, me saying "FUCK YOU!!!" isn't a strike against your God, because our language wasn't even around when that Bible was written. Jesus himself could stand in front of me, with his dark skin and his Jewfro and I could yell "LET'S GET FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER!!!" and he would stare at me blankly, because HE DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH!!! So, you Bible Knocky fucktards....leave me alone.

To cap it all off, I'm just going to say that we as adults (as I've stated on numerous occasions) are an immature lot. Our grandparents cursed like sailors, and drank like fish. Yet, our pussified, immature society has taken a turn for the weak, and lame. "I don't want to offend anyone on Facebook." Well, fucko, if you're a person that curses on a daily basis, and you stop doing so to Update Your Status, then you're a putz. You shouldn't have people on that thing that don't love you for your personality (vocabulary included), and therefore you should start clicking REMOVE FRIEND quite often. And for all of you adults that are using "OMG!!" and "LMFAO" and to the lamer extent...."LMDAO" (oh yeah, for the ones that are even too big of a puss to put an F in there for FUCKING!)...Grow up. You're in your 30's and no one is going to mistake you for a 16 year old because you are using TEXT LINGO on Facebook. If you have a full QWERTY keyboard in front of you, and you are using idiotic abbreviations, then you are too damn stupid to be on the internet to begin with.

Bring back the strong men from World War II that would exclaim "Honey, I need a fucking beer." when they would return home from a long day at work. The same men that told you those were "Grownup words, and you can't use them until you're an adult." and you would sneak a "DAMN!" in with your friends, when you knew no adult was around to hear you. Trying them on for size. Until you were old enough for that first scotch/beer with your pops and he told you that you could use these words freely. At first you overuse them, but then you slide into a groove. You know what words belong where, and you know that with overuse you sound vulgar, but with the proper use you sound strong willed, confident, and rebellious.

I'll be damned if a CEO of a company came up to me and said "OH EM GEE!!(omg) I just saw this HAWT honey in the bathroom. BEE ARE BEE!!! (brb)" I would kill myself right then and there as I thought to myself "This company is going in the toilet."

Look people, if the world of vocabulary were a painting, why would you only use primary colors? Weren't we all jealous of the kid in class with the HUGE box of Crayola's that had all the 'inbetween' colors? Ours were the basics, and we all knew that "Sky Blue" was much cooler than "Blue".

So, be confident, be free....when you're pissed....yell "FUCK!!!!" and you'll feel much better than yelling "EFF!!!!!" Moron.

In summation, I say that men and women go back to basics on a lot of things. Let's take back our language, and destroy this new one that children are using, (and some adults that are afraid to grow up). Grow a backbone, and don't be so afraid to step on toes. Because, take my word for it, the only people's toes that you're stepping on, are weak minded, childish, and insignificant people that should have thicker skin.

Simon Pegg said it best in Sean of the Dead:

"GET FUCKED FOUR EYES!!!"

Indeed Sean....get fucked indeed.

-Knuckles Fucking Mangano

[UPDATE] This is courtesy of iampaddy.com It really hits on the subject of idiocy, and belongs in MANY of my blogs, but it will be here, as reference, or as a laughing...pointing...finger when you need it:

(direct link: http://iampaddy.com/spell/)

My ship...

I am the Captain of my own ship. In this ship I carry all of those people that are within my Life. My family, my friends, casual acquaintances and those in between. Some are above deck, some are below. Some help paddle my boat, and others are trying to drill holes in the bottom without me knowing. On occasion I am the only one paddling, but on occasion I thoughtlessly hand someone a drill. The problem with this, is the holes that sink my boat aren't easily patched, and that this now leaky ship is slowly sinking and I'm carrying all those I care about with me. So, being that I don't want to bring them down with me, I patch, and I patch, and I patch. The problem with all of this patching is that I don't have time to paddle anymore. So, here I sit, adrift at sea, patching holes in a ship that I call my own. I will figure out how to get these holes all patched. I will stop giving the power to drill those holes to those that are drilling them. And, most of all, I will stop drilling some of those holes myself. I will find only those that want to paddle. I will find those that are willing to help raise my sails, and I will progress, and eventually find land. Until then, I am gathering up drills, I have a bag full of patches and I am a determined man.

There are positions to be held on my ship that still remain open. I need people to help me patch, and people to help me paddle. I need people to help me steer, and people to help me navigate. I don't want to guide my ship through this endless sea alone, and I hope....and I pray....that I find a crew willing to go this distance with me.

-Johnny

P.S. Also, if someone could point me in the direction of Mermaid Island....thanks.

It's a Writer's Life for me....

...You know, I'm going to take a few paragraphs for myself today. It's a bit of a rule with myself that I avoid speaking about my personal life, or about things that are only related to me, and not to the world at large, but I'm going to touch for a moment on something that I find to be a passion of mine.

Writing.

As a photographer clicks the shutter, a pianist tinkles the ebony and ivory keys, and as a painter swipes each brush stroke, their art comes to life. It breathes, it hums with energy, and it creates a burning desire to do more and more, and that same feeling comes across with writers. With each word that is typed, written or thought, a symphony begins to play inside our heads that makes us want to put what's rattling around in our coconut out in the world for all to read.

Sadly, everyone feels that they are adept at writing now. Just like everyone with a cell phone camera feels like they are a photographer, or everyone with autotune feels they can write a hit song. The blogoshpere is flooded with mundane, illegible bullshit that can only be described as drivel.

Morons write about their cat. Whiners write about who has wronged them in life, and why they aren't pushing further and beyond. Idiots (the majority) write about everything that just means nothing.

I personally feel that a world in which "status updates" and "tweets" limits your intelligence to 140 characters or less, is a world that is killing the idea of writing.

Most people I know don't read books, because it takes too long to get into, it's so boring, or they "don't have the attention span right now". I personally believe it's because of the time commitment. A movie is 2 hours long. The story begins, and ends within that two hours. No long term commitment.

Yet, we writers continue to write. Our books barely get published, our scripts barely read, and our blogs have little traffic if they go over 2 paragraphs. I can practically hear the grumble and groan that comes from friends when they see my blog. "Ohhhhhh....I don't have time for this right now."

Is a painter a painter if no one sees his artwork?

Is a pianist a pianist if no one hears him play?

Sometimes I wonder, "Am I truly a writer, if no one reads my work?"

Intelligence is something we writers pride ourselves on. We can punctuate properly. We can spell words that barely anyone knows exist. We string together sentences that feel like poetry, when all it is, is the news.

Yet, in a world that is constantly on a downward slide down the Intelligence Ramp, we writers are the first to die.

A city in Texas now has no bookstore. I read this, and it nearly broke my heart. The necessity of books depleted to a point that the last bookstore went bankrupt.

But, sadly, as masochistic as it is...we writers keep writing. I have two novels in production as we speak, and with the dying breed of the paperback...I fear they will never be published.

Yet I keep writing.

I stay passionate. I stay strong. I stay fierce.

I am a writer.

Because I write.

-Johnny

You're the yin to my wang....

...Okay, okay, so I know it's the Yin to my Yang. But, this is where I give you the meat of my rant for today. Honestly, today is not so much a rant, as it is a subtle nudge in the ribs of women everywhere to shake them to their senses, and let them realize a good thing when they have it. The following paragraphs will intrigue women and men alike, and will anger those that it hits too close to home for, and inspire those with a little bit of common sense. Let the pissing off......begin:

For the last few years I've witnessed the most amazing vastness of emotions. The full color of the rainbow. My friends are a great group that share with me their pains, sorrows, and emotional roller coasters, and so that helps with my insight. I believe it is because we are at a transitional age. The 30's now are the new 20's which is true. We age slower, and fuckin' hell do we act more immature than our parents did at 30. And, so, where our parents were trying to find life partners at 20, we're trying to find that "certain someone" in our 30's. That someone we can talk to for hours. To hold our hand when we feel alone, and to talk about our favorite book or movie when there's no one else around. As stated, the Yin to our Yang: Definition of Yin-Yang: This Symbol(Yin-Yang) represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.

While "yin" would be dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting, and weak, "yang" would be bright, active, upward, hot, expanding, and strong. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold. We search the world to find someone that compliments us in areas we are weak in, and we do our best to keep that person, and here comes the shitty part...

I've noticed an overwhelming amount of women that no longer appreciate the amount of effort guys give to show their love. For example: I just spoke with a friend that said; "It's like this man, the day that Sex and the City the movie came out, I went and bought it for her, and then went to buy a bottle of wine for BOTH OF US to drink while we watched it. I don't mind making those kinds of efforts, but not once, EVER has she picked up a Bruce Lee movie, or Die Hard and grabbed a six pack and brought it home to surprise me. It just sucks."

See, women here is where you fuck up. You love the attention. You bathe in the attention. From the time we're dating, into marriage, and until inevitably, there's a bump in the road, and then you start saying..."You don't take me to -fill in the blank- restaurant- anymore." "You don't write me poems anymore." "You don't rub my feet anymore." Well, guess what, we didn't just DECIDE to stop doing these things, and here's where I explain the Good Guy Mentality.

We know you women like talking to your girlfriends about what we do for you. "He cooked me my favorite salmon dish last night, and he got my favorite movie, and he bought a bottle of wine, and it was SO romantic!", because, without a doubt, you like hearing "Ohhh...I wish my man would do things like that for me!"
You see, the Good Guy Mentality is simple. We're in a competition. Not with you, but with OTHER MEN!! We want to be better in bed than any man you've been with. We want to be more romantic than "Steve" or "Bob" and therefore we're CONSTANTLY thinking of new and exciting ways to impress you. This is our way of showing you how much we care/love you. Then.....after years of being the good guy....

It becomes routine. We're on autopilot, and you're used to us cooking you magnificent dinners. Asking YOU what movie you want to watch at the theater, what restaurant you want to go to, and asking what YOU want to do this weekend. Reciprocation comes far and far less, because, let's face it we're always the ones chasing you women, and rarely do you chase us.

With all this in mind, we start realizing that 90% of the game being played is YOUR game, and 10% is ours. So, the special things we do for you, become less special. They're mundane, and almost annoying, and then by the time you've figured out that we're doing them less and less, it's almost a resentment towards you for not being the YIN!!! to our Yang.

Don't get me wrong ladies, we men LOVE to spoil you. (if we love you that is, if we don't care, that's usually when you get flowers and candy...that's how you know...cooked dinner...he likes you...restaurant...you're not worth the effort...flowers...you're worth fucking...poem...you inspire him) But, without you spoiling him to a narrowly equal extent, you will unintentionally start killing even the most passionate of loves.

Money, Power, Fame....they all come and go...Love...love can be eternal. Have you ever met a man or a woman (probably not our parents age or younger, being that love is a dying emotion), but have you met someone that had their spouse pass away and still wear their wedding ring, and you ask them why and their reply is simply "Because, _____ is my wife/husband, and my soulmate and I will never love another the way I loved them."

Balance.

If you like telling your girlfriends about how amazing your man is, you had better plan on being pretty amazing for your man as well. Otherwise, he'll just complain about you to his friends, and that will not end well. When resentment exists, sex lives crumble, anger is on the brim at all times (even when it shouldn't be present) and nothing seems to shine as much as when TWO people continue to prove their love for one another.

Newton's Law of Motion states that any action has an equal and opposite reaction. And, to me, if you want a relationship to move forward, you have to keep paddling the boat. Because if just one person paddles...you finish just going in circles.

My advice: Never receive, without making a mental note to give. It doesn't have to be of any more value than 'heartfelt'. But, make love something that our kids' - kids will want to experience. Our grandmothers wanted to "Find a man that will love me forever." and so far, all I see around me are kids wanting to fuck. That's not love.

Keep love alive. Be the Yin to someone's Yang.

Most of all. Suck a dick if he eats your pussy.

Crassly yours,
Johnny

For the love of humanity...

As the dawn of civilization grows to a close, I sit atop my mountain and look down to the chaos that was once a noble race of beings, that have bred themselves into stupidity and idiocy. I hurl rocks at a few of them to get a reaction, but they simply look to the sky as if to find a Rock Cloud that rains pebbles. I live on this mountaintop to separate myself from the anarchy that has spilled into the streets, and flows through the worlds veins like a moronic heroine.

Okay, maybe it's not quite that dire yet, but it's getting there.

I say this, because if you notice, the people that are reproducing in our Western Society are also the same people that are against Gay Marriage, and for bombing the hell out of every country other than our own.

Intelligent people have slowly stopped having children, and busy themselves with their careers, their hobbies, and their own personal demons. Yet, the idiots of our country...of the world...are breeding like rabbits, because they don't really know how to do much else. "This goes in that...and 9 months later...a baby pops out."

So, sooner than later, the standard for what "intelligent" is, will soon be a bar that is well lowered, and the C-Level student, will be a genius. Why? When idiots outbreed the intelligent, where will the education at home, the intellectual hobbyist (star gazers, painters, musicians, poets, and writers) and, world travelers...come from? Rednecks have no desire to see the world. You ask them to write a short story, and they'll crack open a can of Coors and say, "Writin' is for faggots."

And, therefore, I propose this; For the love of humanity, let's institute an I.Q. Test for having children. If you have to have a degree to be a secretary anymore, why oh WHY can you just breed yourself a little village worth of children, without regulation or standards?

From the time you have your period, (if there were a male contraceptive, i'd say give it to them, being that they're usually the instigators in the sex), a girl has to take birth control. She finds a man, they decide to have a child, you have to go to the Intellectual Board of Preserving Humanity's Future and fill out a vast array of paperwork. (that'll scare off those people that don't like commitment) Then, you have to pass an I.Q. Test, and if you fail...you get a t-shirt that reads: "NOT SAFE FOR REPRODUCING" and they give you a slap on your tush and send you out the door.

"What-" you may say "do we do with the people that slip through the cracks of the system, and have children that aren't up to the standard?" This answer is simple. I, a firm believer in marriage equality, (if we breeders have to suffer, why shouldn't the gays?), simply say that the intelligent gay community gets the pick of the litter in the adoption circuit. This cuts down on orphans, and gives them a loving, and more importantly, an INTELLIGENT home to grow up in.

We Western Civilizations have long since needed an overhaul to our lifestyle. We treat marriage as dating, and only stay with someone as long as there's not a better option around. We have Single Serving Friends, and we're a childish, spoiled people that refuse to admit we're going downhill fast.

We don't want kids, because it "Changes things." and takes away from our freedoms. We don't want marriage, because that limits us, and makes us have to commit to something.

When 50% of my friends, haven't read a book in more than a year, and they are the ones with kids, it worries me. When my sister, who dropped out of school in the 8th grade, has 2 kids, that worries me. When the other 50% of my friends, are the ones with corporate jobs, and say they don't want to ever have kids, and yet, buy the nicest clothes, travel, and call themselves intelligent, when they act like the world is a big high school hallway, that worries me also.

As a society, we need an overhaul. As individual people, we need to reinstitute values, morals, and family.

Marriage is not dating. Children are our future, and I'm an observant asshole with a keyboard in front of me, and that my friends....is that....

Now, I'm going to go kick me a puppy, and piss on a bum...because if society is going in the toilet...I want to do it right.

One love,
Johnny

The Pop-Over....

The Pop-Over…
Okay, now, life has it's little annoyances here and there. We've all got our main bitches about those annoyances, and I'm no different. So, today I am going to voice mine on the "pop-over".

Glorified by Jerry Seinfeld on his show, the pop-over is when someone arrives to your place unannounced. Whether it be for "just a minute", or for "awhile", the pop-over to me is one of the most annoying things in life.

Something I'm sure has been around for ages, although probably not to the extent it is now due to the communal style living in apartment complexes, the annoyance is something I find non-tolerable.

To me, it's like this:
I'm sitting at home playing a video game in my underwear...(one of those days)...you haven't a care in the world. You're inside your little fortress of solitude and there's nothing that can make you feel more at ease and secure...."Knock! Knock!...*DING DONG*!! Knock! Knock!"....and it's always in that rhythm where they're trying to show you it's a 'friend' and not the UPS man or something. You know? The old Shave and a Haircut rhythm, or something similar. So, now you are pausing your game...either because the disturbance has almost got you killed, or because you really feel like a hermit and don't want to be bothered at all. There you wait, quietly, and annoyed....contemplating checking the peephole, but then the person on the other side will seriously know you're home.
Sooner or later...one of two things will happen...they will ring/knock again, or they will get the hint and leave. Then you have two options...continue your quietness or throw on some pants and ask who it is. I 99% of the time opt for option "A". Normally, after they leave you'll get a call shortly thereafter saying..."Hey man, I stopped by your place and you didn't answer."

"You wanna know why you fucking wank? It's because I was completely comfortable sitting there in my underoos and you didn't call beforehand."

Whatever happened to the common courtesy of the phone call first? "Hey Johnny, I'm in the neighborhood and wanted to see if you were home or if I could stop in for a bit." In this cell phone generation, you really have no excuse of not calling first. And, even then, if I see that you're someone I don't feel like dealing with/talking to, I'll let your ass go to voicemail.

"Why? That's rude!" You may say....

Let me put it to you simply as I can.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an adult. Adults were able to do what they wanted, WHEN they wanted. Which meant, if they wanted to go grocery shopping, they went grocery shopping. No need to ask someone else for permission. If your parents said..."Answer the phone." you answered the phone, if they said..."Don't answer that." you didn't answer it.
So, being that I'm an adult in my 30’s, I firmly believe that if I want to answer my damn phone, I will answer it. If I DON'T want to answer it, I won't. Simple as that.
There's nothing worse than someone telling me..."Alright, I'm going to call tomorrow around 3pm. PICK UP!!"........."What?......Did you just tell me what to do?...." Something my own parents haven't even had the right to do in 20 years...you have the audacity to try and do? Give me a break! Now I'm really not answering, just to piss you off. Then, if you waste your time coming to my door to check if I'm home, you're going to be standing outside like the derelict you are....ringing and knocking...getting more upset.

So, unless your ass is on fire, or you're shot in the foot....call first! If you call first, and I don't answer your call...don't stop by....because it probably means I don't feel like being bothered.



I'm too old for this shit.

I need a fucking island to hide on.

I JUST WANT TO PLAY MY FUCKING VIDEO GAME IN PEACE!!!!

Respectfully yours,
Johnny

What can I say?? I love being an Aries!!

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