90 Days

To kids, it's a summer vacation. To a new employee, it's when your benefits kick in. To a criminal, it's usually the lowest sentence. To many, it's just 3 months.

To me, it's a milestone towards success.

For years I fought tooth and nail for this success. I would nail a week down here or there. Sometimes longer, a lot of times shorter. But, always wanted it.

In rehab, I would attend my early morning meetings, and always here them ask "Any people that this is their first meeting? Anyone with 1 month? 2 months? 3 months? 6 months? 1 year?...." and, I always admired the people at 3 months. It was a corner they had turned a corner. The first couple of months seemed like something anyone could do. If it was for a job, or a spouse, or if you were doing it for someone else. But, the people at 3 months seemed to be the ones that wanted for themselves.

90 days isn't long to most people. It's 3 months rent. It's 1/3rd of a pregnancy. It's just not a large number to many. To me, it's a world of opportunity, wrapped in an achievement, and smothered in smiles. It's a desire to be a better human. It's a drive that fuels my forward momentum. It means that I can do this.

We all desire success in some facet. Whether it be in love, money, career, or whatever your heart desires. But, that's just it isn't it? What your heart desires. YOUR heart. Not those around you. Not the many droves of people that give opinions, judgments or blank stares. It's what feels right to you.

A bumpy road is what kept me scared. Kept me weak. I have always been a strong person. Charismatic, calm, open minded, passionate, articulate with my thoughts and feelings. Yet, the chaos that surrounded  me, made me want to hide. Those bumps in my road were a variation of deep potholes, or large rocks. So, I tried to hide from them. I lacked the tools to remove the chaos from within, so that I could approach the chaos from without head on.

But, some how, some way, I made it to this 90th Day. I won't win an award. I will be given a chip to remind me of my journey, but the only recognition I truly need, is that of my own. I am proud of myself. I am driven in the right direction and the wind is once again in my sails. No, things aren't easy, but the lulls in the storm come more frequently now. I surround myself with loving people that support me. They know I have demons, but they see my struggles, and they give me the care and attention I need. I take care of myself more. I look inward for help, before I search for it in the world. And, more often than not, I find the answers that dwell inside this coconut of mine to be solid.

This is just the beginning, but it's one helluva start for a man that sat in those early morning meetings, and wondered if I had it inside me to make it that far. To be that strong. To be the man I knew I wanted to be, but questioned his resolve. It turns out, I am all of that and more. It's motivation to move forward. It's encouragement to be even more than I originally thought I could be.

90 days...

Feels pretty fucking good everyone.

- Johnny

Coping With Backlash

As one could imagine, me putting my flaws on Front Street, hasn't been all flowery and happiness. Human nature is a beastly thing. We tend to have the ability to judge, hold a grudge, or simple have the same mindset as the Evening News, or Customer Service Help Lines...what do I mean by that?

Simple. 

No one calls Customer Service to tell them about how great a job they are doing. No, it's when things go wrong. You could have had great service from whatever it may be for years, but as soon as a problem rears it's ugly head, it's time to damn the company for being inferior. 

The same is with the Evening News. You never hear them proclaim: "Man went about his day with no problems. Life was good. The end." No, it's all negativity, and chaos, because that's what screams louder than peace and happiness. 

You see, even during my boozing days, I was a gentleman. I would open doors for ladies, walk a thousand miles to find a gift for someone I love, or simply just cook an amazing meal for friends or family. I had a major flaw, of which I admit, but generally I was a kindhearted being. I felt I was being brave, and accountable by showing the world how serious I was taking my new path. I admit, there are repercussions to having an affliction such as Alcoholism. You're viewed as a demon after you admit to such a thing, and all the good you did, can easily be swept under the rug. Even when you're a person that wants everyone in your life to have their dreams come true before your own, and you fight with all of your might to make said things happen, you can easily have people lose sight of that, by showing them your weak underbelly. 

People, I am still a gentleman. Crass and abrasive at times, yes, but would still go to battle in any of your names, because I respect, love, and admire many of you. I have never wished anyone else harm, and I fight for love at all opportunity. I know that I have stepped on a few toes, and said some things I did not mean, but that does not change the value of my heart. A select few of you hold a position in my mind and heart that cannot be rivaled. I would die, literally, for those few. I would sacrifice whatever needed to be done, just for their happiness, and I don't want any of you to forget that. 

We as humans are flawed. Some more deeply than others. But, it's those that admit their flawed, that seek justice for their wrong doings. 

Patience, love, understanding, acceptance, compassion, and a few more key things, are traits that I need in people now. 

I am no thief. I am no murderer. I am no thug. I am not anything, but the same man that wants to love, and be loved. I want to cook a meal for the world, and hug everyone that stands in front of me. I want to give until it bleeds, and expect nothing in return but a smile and happiness. 

Most of all, I want people to know that I am trying to be the best human I can be. That meant cutting away the biggest flaw I had. No. I will never be perfect. None of us will. But, just knowing that I am trying, keeps me motivated to continue along that path.

-Johnny 

A Fistful of Milestones

Good evening Knuckleheads. I hope these words find you in good spirits.
Life for your Uncaped Crusader has been a little less of a yo-yo voyage as of late. So, in keeping with my promise, I will share a couple of my milestones with the world.


As Day 60 of my sobriety came and went, I found myself looking humbly at my workbook of Steps. The two I dreaded most were slowly approaching. For those that do not know of these Steps, I submit to you the following: [more bloggery after the jump]

Step 1

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step 2

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Step 3

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Step 4

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Step 5

"Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

Step 6

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Step 7

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."

Step 8

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

Step 9

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Step 10

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

Step 11

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and he power to carry that out."

Step 12

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Now, in rehab it all made perfect sense. You work through these Steps your entire life. It's not a quiz, where it's a one-off and you're done. You have to take constant inventory of your shortcomings, and really stare down the man in the mirror every day to avoid slipping.
But, as I approached the Steps 8 and 9, I gradually started remembering back to all the ripples in my pond that I had been casting rocks into. Many will never know what kind of demon an addict possesses within themself, because most people do not have addictive personalities. Yes, there is the case of the overindulgence, but not like the true addict. So, as I approached Step 8, I began to slowly make my mental list. My inventory of those that I loved, and possibly stepped on their toes. To those that I may have inadvertently tread upon. Or, those that I had simply wronged. When you look at your life with transparency, it's nerve rattling to say the least. But, if you truly take this shit seriously, then you are willing to make amends as they should be done. And, thereby, you begin a journey into selfless reconnaissance. 

Words no longer have meaning. They do, but they don't. You begin to understand the true nature of "actions speak louder than words", and when you have to humbly approach people you care deeply for, and ask them to be brutally honest, and tell you if they feel you have wronged them in some way, then you may as well had them a knife and draw a circle around your heart and say "Cut here.", because what comes next is inevitably going to hurt. But, it is necessary. Fully. Because, after the cuts are made, you can begin to heal. Yes, there will be scars, but they are there as a reminder to never hurt people. To be the best human you can be on this short time you walk this earth. No, not everyone will accept your offer to make amends, but that is the bridge that you soaked in gasoline and tossed your well lit cigar at. 

I sit here after a long day at work where I have a handful of minions that rely on me to be on my A-Game every day. They know not of the demons I fought just a few months previous. The weak man that stared at himself in the mirror. Fighting seizures, heart attacks, dehydration, and hospital visits. They steer clear of asking me about my past, and I appreciate that. Because, to them, I am the responsible, confident, sometimes strict, and mature adult that sets things in order. Little do they know I had a mere shadow of the man I am rebuilding, looking back at me in the mirror a few months ago. Weak, beaten down, and spiraling out of control.
In my head, I had lost everything. In some ways, I had. I had lost my way, myself, my apartment, and my life. I fought desperately to stay afloat, but I was playing Russian Roulette with my sanity and my life.
But, here I sit...alive, energetic, and full of piss and vinegar. (or, maybe that just my pickled liver that smells like vinegar?)
Which brings me to my next milestone:

Day 76 as a Teetotaler. 

Yes, it's an odd number, but each day is a celebration to me. No cravings. No slips. No desire to drink. You see, you (most of you), can have a drink or two and be content. I have to finish the bottle. There is no "Off" switch. You couple that with a tolerance that is nearly inhuman, and you have a recipe for disaster. Which, is why each day that passes, I celebrate. I love the path that I am on, and I once again feel that the world is my oyster. And, thanks to many of you, I can attribute my sobriety to you. Many of you cared enough to reach out and help. To keep a roof over my head. To wish me well in the hospital. To give me hope when everything seemed it's darkest. So, to those of you (you know who you are), I give you my deepest and most heartfelt thanks.

I am a fighter. From the time I was a child I have had to fight for everything. Education. Love. Happiness. A career. And, now, sobriety. I have proved time and time again that if I set my mind to it, I can accomplish anything. I wanted to go to college, I did. I wanted to become an actor, I did. I wanted to find true love, I did. But, that demon wanted to take all of these things away from me, and those things are what life is worth living for. Worth fighting for. 

I get asked a lot; "Johnny, the 12 Steps refer to God a lot. How can an Atheist follow the Steps if you can't give yourself to God?". Well, A.A. has grown since these Steps were written. God is subjective. My God is my Inner Chi. The energy that travels through me that enables me to radiate outward into the universe and powers my heart, mind, and spirit. To each person, it is different. I choose my Higher Power, and I have chosen wisely. So, yes, I can have my idea of God, and be true to my Steps. Just as any Believer can. I no longer avoid the Man in the Mirror. When I feared him, I detached myself from love and happiness. But, as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic, and love to me is more powerful than anything in this existence. Love conquers all. For friends, family, and significant others. It's what powers me. It's what keeps me on track, and keeps me focused. I once again love myself. I don't radiate hatred, confusion, or weakness. I am regaining the confidence to persevere, and climb the mountains that lay ahead. And, slowly, but surely I am building that pyramid that I spoke of in my last blog. You all deserve a round of applause for being my family, my inspiration, and my backbone. I commend you all for tolerance, love, and understanding. 

It will be a tedious, and gradual process, but I plan to make amends to each of you I feel I have tread upon. No, it won't happen overnight, and I don't expect that you think it will. But, know that my heart is on the right track, and forgiveness is what I seek. You each mean the world to me (some more than others), and I live my life as openly as I possibly can. Music, movies, lifestyle, ideas, or what have you...are things you have to approach with an open mind. I have learned many a thing in my life, but most of all it's to be understanding of your fellow man's trials and tribulations. You never know what another person is going through, until it's laid out before you. So, be patient, my potential will match my actions shortly enough. My heart will find it's mate, and my life will remain on track. 

Thank you for listening, 

Johnny